Let me share with you one of the many mumbles of this silly heart of mine. I tried shutting it out but it seems it’s to no avail coz someone somehow knocks on it harshly – making it beat faster and faster, nagging me to open up… so sentimental as I am, I’d rush to open it up, making my almost stupid self stumble and fall.. Then the same old story happens…over and over again.
I’m not going to name names here. I call him a “gazer” so you’ll call him that way. I admit I don’t really know Gazer, not till last semester anyway. I met him at JJ Blockbuster once when we both intended to pull out the same VCD at a time (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days). His smile lingered in my mind for a while. It wasn’t a smile intended to make a woman’s heart melt – it was a candid smile brought about by the coincidence we’d just encountered. He looked deep into my eyes and creased his eyebrows, then, as if in recognition, he gave away a one-sided smile, flashing his pearly white teeth. The cleft chin was pretty charming, too, so were the two dimples.
I think I smiled back then but I didn’t really pay attention. I thought he was just one of those easy-go-lucky guys you meet in the video house, hunting for both hit and hot movies. I go gaga over hit movies but one thing’s for sure – I’m not an easy go lucky type. I have reasons why I watch these movies. I need them more than I want them.
Anyway, going back to Gazer… So, I eventually forgot about him. I mean really forgot. But one fine afternoon, we were in the same fast-food and he was seated right across my table. I pretended not seeing him, or at least not recognizing him, and continued my lunch. And I saw that he was eating well, too, unmindful of the people around him. Actually, I didn’t think he recognized me that time. I finished before him so I departed from that place ahead of him. As I passed by his table, he looked up and… I didn’t know if he smiled or how his face looked like behind me. I just passed by him, that’s all.
While I was waiting for a ride home, a friend was rushing his way toward me. Catching his breath, he asked if I knew that guy standing across the street. It was Gazer. I told him I did recognize him by face. “Why?” I asked.
“Well, he’s just wondering why you don’t recognize him. He’s your neighbor…. in your hometown!”
My mouth was probably gaping for quite sometime when my friend flaunted an impish grin, as if reminding me how I stupid I looked. I was so blanked. Good thing a tricycle turned up, and I absentmindedly hailed it to stop. I think it took me days to recover from that shock. But when I looked back to it now, it was more of an embarrassment than a shock. How could I forget that boy next door whose family’s one of the well-offs in our society? How could I not recognize one of the famous heartthrobs in our town? Oh, how could I? Well, probably because I am not so into what and who’s famous. Nevertheless, I felt like I ought to know him. And when I had realized he was my neighbor, reality just came flashing through me.
I betted Gazer was disappointed and he’d probably tell his famous friends how dare an ordinary girl forget about who he is. “Sorry, Gazer,” I told myself. It was an honest mistake. No, it wasn’t a mistake. It was a normal response you got from a normal girl.
Months later, I saw Gazer again in an Internet café. He was playing DOTA and fate must have played tricks on us (or more on me), ‘coz my Internet connection at home wasn’t working and to make it worse (or better?), I was given the seat next to him. I asked for another PC workstation but there was no other vacant. “Nice,” I uttered to myself. When I started browsing, I was aware of those two eyes straightly looking at my monitor. So I shifted a little to the right, trying to block his view. When I glanced at him, he seemed lost in his own world. Was it just me?
After an hour, I’ve finally done my thing and logged out. His gaze didn’t follow. “So, he hasn’t recognized me this time?”
Consequently after that, I didn’t mind him whenever we met. For certain, we met several times after that but it felt better to just ignore each other and pretend to be strangers. That’s what we were, after all. In fact, I think I bumped onto him once at school. I knew he enrolled in our school during the second semester because I saw him around more often. He must have transferred from his prestigious school just to be with his friends, whom I recognize a few. And whenever we met, we really never say anything nor smile or do any act of recognition. As if we weren’t neighbors; as if we didn’t know the other one existed. I saw him as just “one of the many,” as perhaps the same way he saw me that time.
So I was just surprised when he appeared from the dark tonight, flashing out that familiar smile and handing me a box of sweets, uttering a delayed birthday greeting. I was surprised how he knew. But I am even more surprised what made him do such an unlikely thing? What could have hit him?
I remember smiling at him and thanking him. Then I continued walking past him and was really relieved when he didn’t follow. Otherwise, I’d run out of words. I really was tongue-tied. Was it a peace offering? Does he always do that to girls? Did I torture him somehow? Or is he a stalker? Oh well, whatever his motive is, for sure his act was impressive. It’s traditional and at the same time a bit provocative.
Until now I still couldn't figure out what really is his intention. But for sure, he’s going to be one of those sweet tortures piled up and set aside at the back of my mind. Not now...
I’m sorry, Gazer…. I’m sorry…self…
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