Don’t transform me into someone else. Don’t even try.
I cut my hair the way I think is classy and apply make up I think is perfect.
I dress what is comfortable and what I think is decent.
I put on fragrance I love to smell and not succumb to allergenic scents.
I cut my nails with my own design and wear accessories I think is elegant.
So don’t be surprised if I choose my own clothes, my shampoos, my cosmetics and accessories without even consulting you. This is how I adorn my outer shell and this is how I always will.
I eat the food I like best, irregardless of your alternatives.
I go to places I feel like and will stay there as long as I desire.
I choose the people I would talk to and treasure those I pick.
I look up to people whom I think deserving and will stoop down to those too low.
I gesture the moves which come out of me and will articulate words I am most at ease.
I do things the best way I suppose I should, even if it means setting both of us aside.
I let you know all these things so you don’t have to be surprised.
I read the book I have interest in; I watch the movies I like
I dance the music I enjoy; I sing the song I love
I toil for the job I want and will continue until the passion wears out.
I submit myself to promises I believe and will give away only those I can fulfill.
I do the things I think is right, whether they please you or not.
So this is who I am and what you see is what you get.
And once again, I articulate the words I am most at ease, under which is this case.
So don’t tell me what to do and don’t try to change me.
Just let me be myself coz that’s what it takes to see the real me.
Should you see a transition of a different me, it is then that you have to leap in.
Now one last thing before I end this trivia,
I can only give away promises which I know I can fulfill.
And the promises I gave you are never an exemption.
So take them and believe in them because I do keep them.
Don’t go wasting them, no… Don’t even try.
Love Story
“A good-looking man with stable job, a nice car, good family background and a certified womanizer. What else could you ask for?” asked Jerry. I just looked down and sought for a good excuse. When I was silenced by my empty self, he patted my shoulder.
“Hmmm?” he asked again while drawing me closer. I just shook my head and moved aback. I saw him rolled his eyes at the corner of my own eyes. I couldn’t help but smile. Then I stood up and started pacing back and forth. He stood up, too.
“Irritated?” I asked him inaudibly. He looked at me straight in the eyes and nodded.
“Let’s go home,” he said and led the way to his beautiful car. I followed and we rode back to my place. The moment I stepped out, he steered away towards his house, without even waving goodbye.
“Well, why am I not surprised?” I uttered as I headed upstairs. Sure enough, he has everything and he is close to being perfect. But why am I not contented? My phone beeped and as I read his message, was surprised at how he had deciphered my thoughts.
“What exactly are you looking for? What else do you want?” he asked. I sighed and typed in, “I want someone less perfect.”
Then I contemplated hard about my quest until I drifted off to sleep. It was already past midnight when I woke up and realized I have missed several calls. I hesitated to ring him back but I thought I needed someone to talk to.
“Sorry to wake you up. I was tired of the trip and fell asleep just before your calls.”
“It’s okay. I was about to go to bed.” There was a long pause. I waited for him to say something. Then the line went dead.
“Great!” Well, it was just what I deserved. I lied awake until morning and made myself a heavy breakfast. The phone rang.
“Good morning! Sorry about last night. I was too tired to talk.”
“I understand. I did the same to you, remember?”
“Well, yes you did but I really think I should apologize.”
“Apology accepted.” Then there was silence again.
“So, why do you want to settle for something less?” A long pause followed.
“Because I am less than perfect, Jerry, that’s why. I don’t deserve someone as fantastic as you are. I want something else and I just know we will not be happy together.”
“But why and what it is that you want which you think I don’t have?” There he went! The best prototype of the world’s humblest person.
“If you think you’ve got it all, then you don’t need me, Jerry.”
“But you will need me. Take me, please.”
“I need someone who needs me, too.”
“I don’t understand this.” Then he hanged up. I could only sigh.
If you could only read my mind, Jerry. I don’t care if you earn very little, as long as your job is decent. I don’t care if your family is not as well-off as they are. And I don’t care about the car for we can buy one in due time. I don’t care about the house at all, for we can build a happy home together. A fine man with jovial, loving and sensible personality is what I need. Why can’t you be that man? Why can’t you just come down and plant your feet flat on the ground again?
Too bad I am too sensitive to Jerry’s flaws. But I couldn’t stand the thought of being with someone whose character I dislike. And I don’t intend to change him – it has to come from within himself. I’d rather settle for less and be with someone I can dance the music with, without trying so hard.
Sometimes the quest for our lifetime partner can be the hardest mission among all. How many trials and errors do we have to undergo? How many facades do we need to unravel? How many broken promises do we have to bear with? How many selfish prospects do we have to meet? And how much heartache do we have to suffer?
Well, no one really knows. Otherwise, he who knows is cheating, thus, losing in this game we refer to as “love.”
“Hmmm?” he asked again while drawing me closer. I just shook my head and moved aback. I saw him rolled his eyes at the corner of my own eyes. I couldn’t help but smile. Then I stood up and started pacing back and forth. He stood up, too.
“Irritated?” I asked him inaudibly. He looked at me straight in the eyes and nodded.
“Let’s go home,” he said and led the way to his beautiful car. I followed and we rode back to my place. The moment I stepped out, he steered away towards his house, without even waving goodbye.
“Well, why am I not surprised?” I uttered as I headed upstairs. Sure enough, he has everything and he is close to being perfect. But why am I not contented? My phone beeped and as I read his message, was surprised at how he had deciphered my thoughts.
“What exactly are you looking for? What else do you want?” he asked. I sighed and typed in, “I want someone less perfect.”
Then I contemplated hard about my quest until I drifted off to sleep. It was already past midnight when I woke up and realized I have missed several calls. I hesitated to ring him back but I thought I needed someone to talk to.
“Sorry to wake you up. I was tired of the trip and fell asleep just before your calls.”
“It’s okay. I was about to go to bed.” There was a long pause. I waited for him to say something. Then the line went dead.
“Great!” Well, it was just what I deserved. I lied awake until morning and made myself a heavy breakfast. The phone rang.
“Good morning! Sorry about last night. I was too tired to talk.”
“I understand. I did the same to you, remember?”
“Well, yes you did but I really think I should apologize.”
“Apology accepted.” Then there was silence again.
“So, why do you want to settle for something less?” A long pause followed.
“Because I am less than perfect, Jerry, that’s why. I don’t deserve someone as fantastic as you are. I want something else and I just know we will not be happy together.”
“But why and what it is that you want which you think I don’t have?” There he went! The best prototype of the world’s humblest person.
“If you think you’ve got it all, then you don’t need me, Jerry.”
“But you will need me. Take me, please.”
“I need someone who needs me, too.”
“I don’t understand this.” Then he hanged up. I could only sigh.
If you could only read my mind, Jerry. I don’t care if you earn very little, as long as your job is decent. I don’t care if your family is not as well-off as they are. And I don’t care about the car for we can buy one in due time. I don’t care about the house at all, for we can build a happy home together. A fine man with jovial, loving and sensible personality is what I need. Why can’t you be that man? Why can’t you just come down and plant your feet flat on the ground again?
Too bad I am too sensitive to Jerry’s flaws. But I couldn’t stand the thought of being with someone whose character I dislike. And I don’t intend to change him – it has to come from within himself. I’d rather settle for less and be with someone I can dance the music with, without trying so hard.
Sometimes the quest for our lifetime partner can be the hardest mission among all. How many trials and errors do we have to undergo? How many facades do we need to unravel? How many broken promises do we have to bear with? How many selfish prospects do we have to meet? And how much heartache do we have to suffer?
Well, no one really knows. Otherwise, he who knows is cheating, thus, losing in this game we refer to as “love.”
My Elusive Dream
My Elusive Dream
A happy home, filled with children’s laughter everywhere.
The mother singing their song softly, with husband close to her
He smiles at her and hums along while strumming his guitar
The children came in dancing, and screaming from afar.
The house was no castle but is paradise inside,
The sun on the rooftop beams gaily and bright
The flowers in the garden look radiant with pride
The leaves of the trees sway graciously with delight.
I painted the picture so perfectly in my mind
Everything is so wonderful, everything is so fine
I framed it with immense hope and finished with nice design
Then I wrapped it with tender care, faith and love combined.
I imagine the picture every night, before I sleep
The picture becomes vivid in the middle of my rest
The handsome smile of the husband soothes away my stress
His gentle voice conveys smitten passion and everlasting promises.
But he vanishes every time I hold out my hand to him
He becomes out of reach and leaves me feeling lame
I hug myself and stay awake till everything seems dim,
Then cry myself to sleep because of my elusive dream.
Then one day a storm comes and blows everything away
He tells me he loves me but not enough to make him stay
I reach out for him, begging low with bended knee
But like what always happens, he turns his back and walks away.
If I were smart enough, I wouldn’t have taken him upfront
I would have figured out how easily I could get hurt
How briefly he stayed, as quick as he first came
Now I could only wait and pray for him.
My husband…
Our home…
Our beautiful children…
They’re nothing real then,
But only my elusive dream.
A happy home, filled with children’s laughter everywhere.
The mother singing their song softly, with husband close to her
He smiles at her and hums along while strumming his guitar
The children came in dancing, and screaming from afar.
The house was no castle but is paradise inside,
The sun on the rooftop beams gaily and bright
The flowers in the garden look radiant with pride
The leaves of the trees sway graciously with delight.
I painted the picture so perfectly in my mind
Everything is so wonderful, everything is so fine
I framed it with immense hope and finished with nice design
Then I wrapped it with tender care, faith and love combined.
I imagine the picture every night, before I sleep
The picture becomes vivid in the middle of my rest
The handsome smile of the husband soothes away my stress
His gentle voice conveys smitten passion and everlasting promises.
But he vanishes every time I hold out my hand to him
He becomes out of reach and leaves me feeling lame
I hug myself and stay awake till everything seems dim,
Then cry myself to sleep because of my elusive dream.
Then one day a storm comes and blows everything away
He tells me he loves me but not enough to make him stay
I reach out for him, begging low with bended knee
But like what always happens, he turns his back and walks away.
If I were smart enough, I wouldn’t have taken him upfront
I would have figured out how easily I could get hurt
How briefly he stayed, as quick as he first came
Now I could only wait and pray for him.
My husband…
Our home…
Our beautiful children…
They’re nothing real then,
But only my elusive dream.
Eternal Paradox
"I see jewels of starlight in your eyes,
And in your hair shines the moon.
I'm hopelessly inlove with you..."
Too foolish of me, I listened to your clever disguise!
I shouldn't have. I should have known where these stuffs could lead me.
You hurt me too much that I could hardly breathe...
I feel pain of piercing darts.
You've pushed me into a hole without a bottom.
You've led me to a journey where no angel would ever dare to walk by me.
"I'm hopelessly inlove with you..."
Stop it! Yeah, you're inlove.
I believe so coz you have stained the purest heart ever lived!
You're falling but you made a wise deceit.
Sad to say, you're falling but not for me.
You played with my innocent passion.
My heart now is bleeding,
I am in confusion amidst grief.
My mind says, "move away" but my heart says, "stay!"
I've loved you and I was true.
Tomorrow, when the sun shines on its peak,
I will no longer be weak.
I had, then, forgiven you.
Don't feel guilty for this agony will just pass.
Joy hasn't existed in me
But may it be with you, though with someone else.
And the eternal paradox, it says:
"How can we preserve joy without killing the joy of others?"
© 2003 - 2006. Merl's Official Handurawan 2004 literary folio entry.
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