It's Just Too Late

Intelligent, profound yet silent… those best describe my uncle. He was always referred to as bad, killjoy, stern and tough by those who barely know him. He was always the black sheep of the family. And he was once disowned by his father, by two of his other brothers, or even by his sisters.

But never with his mother. He was always loved, supported and advised, despite his notorious traits. His mother was a perfect prototype of a genuine mother. One who stands along, against all oddities in life. His was a mother always selfless, willing to sacrifice the rest of her 5 other siblings, just to bring him back to his feet again.

He once went away, seeing that he was being disliked by many. He brought hatred with him, against his family and neighbors. He soared high and experienced what others referred to as ecstasy. He proved everyone right, by doing just what people expected him to be ---the black sheep.

But one day, he came home wounded. Seeking for the love of his mother, the type he missed while he was gone. And as usual, he had it. His father was glad he had come back but he was too old to show he cares. He was just there, standing calmly, contented that the prodigal son had returned.

Time passed and his father had to pass away. I saw him cry in the corner but when he caught my eye, he stared at me and I took that as his embarrassment, although he tried to conceal it as a warning or something of that sort. I was relieved to see his softer side. I know he wasn’t bad after all. And I know he loved his father.

A couple of years later, temptations struck him again and he found himself confined behind the cold bars. It was a cold hell and he had no mother to comfort him. He cried and pleaded help from his family, knowing that his mother would be there for him. And as usual, he got her support, with the help of his siblings, of course. But that time, I saw his effort to change. He must have learned a lot from those things they call “cold bars”.

He tried to convince everyone that he had changed, after his sad experience. I believed in him coz I saw the good side of him already, the moment I saw him shed a tear for his “despised” father. But I was only one of the few who believed in him. I know he was glad he got me. He also got his best friend. And of course, he had his mother on his side.

But his mother was too old to tolerate or see his continuing efforts. She had to rest in peace and as she did, I saw my uncle cry openly this time. In fact, I was the first one who patted him on his shoulders. I remembered he looked up with those red, teary eyes and forcibly gave his crooked smile. In my 16 years of existence, that was only the second time I saw my tough uncle cry.

Years passed, and he survived alone, without the visible love of his parents, especially her mother. Yet I know he had her in his memories always coz one Halloween night, I visited his home and I saw a lighted candle on the window. I teased him and he told me to get serious coz it was intended to light the path of my lola (his mother). I was swept away by the thoughtfulness of such a tough, big man. It was that night that he told me how lonely his life had been. He told me that I was one of the few who believed in him and that he appreciated it. I almost burst into tears that night but of course, I was tough, just like him. We talked about how impossible his ambitions were. He dreamed he had his own family, wherein his children would respect him as a father. And he hated himself for being so helpless to his two children (with different mothers). He mentioned how lonely it was to be abandoned, even by his own brothers and sisters. He said it was very sad to live alone in an empty house. And most of all, he missed his mother. I went home that night with total relief and satisfaction. And I wished I could tell the whole world that my uncle was not as bad as they thought he was. But of course, it would take so much time to convince those people.

My uncle continued to live his life as wholesome as he could, pleasing as many people as possible. He fed himself, tried supporting his children (although not fully appreciated), held occasional drinking sessions to gather his peers, and welcomed visitors to his house. He tried to be good. But I think it was not enough. In fact, it was never enough.

The other year, his best friend died. He had lost his favorite pal that time and he must have been very sad coz I caught him staring blankly sometimes. But of course he was tough and stern, so he held his head high and continued to live life.

One time, when I was waiting for a vehicle to transport me to the big city, he saw me and he sat down beside me. We had our serious talk again and he asked me a favor. It was a favor meant as a joke, I hoped, but still lingers in my mind until now. He said, “Lyn, bisan moasenso na ka, ayaw ko kalimti. Gae nya ko stable nga trabaho para klaro ning akong kinabuhi, ha? Wala dagay ka’y salig nako, pero ako salig kaayo nimo.” (Lyn, don’t forget me even if you’re already well-off. Provide me with a stable job so that I will have a better life. You may not trust me, but I have a big trust in you.)

I only laughed at him and teased him to hand me some peso for vehicle fares. He laughed back and took some 5-peso coin from his pocket. We both laughed and I will never ever forget that scene. My uncle may seem very hard to comprehend, but he sure got a good sense of humor.

Two hours ago I received a message about my uncle passing away… it was an unexpected death. My heart is aching like crazy and I couldn’t imagine going back to my hometown without him, above all, seeing him inside the casket. I cried but those tears are not enough. I am sad because of his sudden death. I am saddened by thought that his cold, dead body was discovered 24 hours after he died because he was living in a house all by himself. I am saddened because he died with the feeling that nobody loves him. Most of all, I am sad because I was not able to give him his dream, the favor he had asked of me.

I love you, Yoyo. I wish I were able to tell you this in person. It’s just too late now and it’s something I learned a lesson from. Thank you for trusting in me. You will always be remembered…

Hello.. Thank You & Good-bye..

When I first heard of you, my heart longed to become a part of you. I dreamed and dreamed until my dream came true.


So it became you and me – great tandem. I imparted everything I know to you and gave everything there is to give. In return, you gave me what I deserve and I was grateful and contented. I always showed up on time everyday, packed up with enthusiasm and excitement. Your warm welcome and endearing motivations gave me inspiration.

Days became months; months became years. We’ve been together for more than neither of us expected. You relied on me and I leaned on you. We both met many people along the way but most of them fled away and you counted me as one of the few survivors. Thanks for counting me in. It was a pleasure then.

You entrusted others’ responsibilities to me and you humbly demand most of my time. I submissively gave you all of me. I hope you realized how hard I tried to give you everything you needed. I didn’t know where I got it but somehow my patience those days were immeasurable. I sympathized of your loss and tried to be strong for you. I can still remember the looks of those pleading eyes, painfully tearful and begging me to cooperate. Of which, I realized, I selflessly did…

Time passed and I was more than happy to see you subtly recovering. The gleam in your eyes was contagious and I couldn’t help but smile myself. The heavy burdens we both were carrying somehow lightened. It was a relief to see you back and normal again.

So we moved on, still the same old you and me. You treated me like a genuine treasure – expensive and rare. That’s how you make me feel and as always, I appreciate it. I couldn’t ask for more.

You’ll be out my sight very soon but your presence and influences will always linger in me. One of these days, I will have to work things out for myself and I’m glad you’re always willing to stand by me. I thank you. It’s all I could say. I hope everything will work out fine between us, despite the approaching distance. It might be long before I’ll come back your way, or I may never come back at all, but I want you to know that you’ve always been an integral part of who I am right now.

Thank you for teaching me how to be humble and patient. Thanks for the gift of genuine friendship. Thank you for believing in me and for letting me face those tough challenges I didn’t suppose I could solve. Thank you for the never-ending support.

You thought me well enough to face the real world again. Now I am packed up with confidence, strength and wisdom, ready to tackle whatever trials there are along my path. I know I can stand stronger than I used to and I owe all these to you. Thanks for everything.

I will sorely miss my routine around your vicinity. I will always muse over those daily activities I did to help you grow. I know you’ll keep on surviving without me. Someday, you’ll find another me and I may find another you. But for sure, the moments will remain even though time may pass. I wish you all the luck and I hope that you can help more people and help them grow up, just like what you did to me and many others.

Adieu for now. But who knows, I might come back running into your loving arms again…

Back to Normal, My Friend?

My first impression of you did not fail,
You are the tough type but deep inside fragile;
You talk and talk, never minding what you've said,
You’re hungry of attention, and you got me disgusted.

You came to me, I ran away,
You smiled and smiled while fled away;
I was annoyed of your traits and bluffing,
You did a lot of gossips and talking.

You're Know-It-All, and you’ve got Me-First attitudes,
Most of your behaviors caused a lot of hatreds;
I backstabbed you but you never cared,
Were you aware or was I ignored?

I don't know how but it did happen,
We had to stick with each other then;
I remember how sincere you seemed,
While I rolled my eyeballs and feigned.

But one day, I found myself in distress,
You came around, just like you always did;
You pushed me to talk about it,
So I sighed, stared at you, but then started.
So I freed the things I’ve been keeping inside,
Vulnerable subjects I’ve been struggling to hide;
You may’ve never realized but you thought me how to confide,
For the first time, you listened while setting your apprehensions aside.

I loved watching you gaping at my every word,
I couldn’t tell whether you related to my stories or you’re bored;
But somehow you added light to our gloomy world,
I wonder if you really enjoyed or I got you tortured.

Hope you know that our listening ears made miracles,
We started sharing our happiness and downfalls;
I accepted your oddities, and I didn’t mocked at you again,
Time must have nourished and made our bonding genuine.

Yet lately, I’ve noticed how you’ve changed deliberately,
The rare submissive ways are slowly fading away;
Your smooth tongue seems to dance gracefully
With every mention of “I, me, & myself” melody.

So, is the old, vain you back again, my friend?
You must have missed wearing your favorite skin;
Well, go ahead and be who you really are,
I just hope when I look ahead, you have not gone that far.

I Have to Let You Go

If we never let go of the past, we can never appreciate the present, so as the future.

That’s why I had to forget how embarrassing my first communion was, when I sort of accidentally bit the hand of the priest and he glared at me. I heard some of my classmates, teachers and the choir laughed and I went off trembling. Then later on, I found myself crying. That experience taught me not to talk to a priest again. I was barely 9 years old then. I could still laugh at the thought, especially the look on the priest’s face… hehehe… I can still remember it, but for sure, I have gained the confidence to converse with a priest again.

That’s why I have to let go of the hope to retrieve my sweet memories with my peers during my high school days. I kept the memories but I’ve learned to let things happen naturally. My friends are on their own ways now, after all. A couple of them married, some go abroad, and others are so far away. I can’t afford the frustration of making us a whole again. If I hanged on to such hope, I wouldn’t have appreciated the company of my college colleagues.

That’s why I have to alter my job with a better one and let go of the memorable experiences attached to the previous one. Or else I wouldn’t be able exercise my skills in the field it suits best. And I wouldn’t have known more memorable moments are laid ahead of me.

That is the reason why we have to let go of our deceased loved ones. They said if there is come, there is go. Like the dear new things we possess, they will soon wear out. Their sentimental values will be kept but we won’t always see them as new as they used to be. And if we continue to keep them, no matter how rotten they are, we will never think of buying a better one. Like our loved ones, we have to let them go, so that we may get the chance to meet the others.

And that’s why I have to forget you. Coz if I continue to hope that you’ll come back, I may never meet my other half. And if you are my other half or if by some chance we are meant to be, you’ll return to me. If by that time, you are already being replaced, you have to move on with your life and not cling on our yesterdays.

Coz if we never let go of the past, we can never appreciate the present, so as the future.[Dedicated to my once dreamed man...]